Chapter 147

 

“If I live, I shall return to you; if I die, I will long for you forever.”

That day, when she found the fish talisman in the dirty leather bag carried by Jinwuzhui, she burst into tears.

She remembered clearly that he once told her that he accidentally lost the broken fish talisman and could not hand it in. She believed it and never thought that he was unwilling to return it and kept it for himself. However, in the end, he returned it to her like this.

The words were carved with a knife, each stroke was written with great force, yet the handwriting appeared chaotic. She could not imagine what sort of desperate circumstances he had been under when he left her this final message of farewell. But she knew that, in his mind, when she saw those words, he would no longer in this world. Endless longing—this was the most honest, and the most fervent confession of love he had ever left her.

Even though, by the time she read it, she already knew he had made it out safely, still, that night, after soothing their little child to sleep, she pressed the fish talisman to her heart, and her tears soaked through her pillow and hair.

She had a secret that she had never revealed to anyone, not even her father.

When she persuaded her father to agree to her choosing Pei family’s young master as her prince consort, she said that it was to fulfil her duties as a princess and share the worries of the Holy Dynasty with her father. This was certainly her true intention, but she could not deceive herself. While helping her father, she also secretly had some selfish motives that were unknown to others.

She admired him deeply, and was willing to risk what might be an unfortunate price—to wager all, for the chance to win such a man as her husband.

A man like him, a son of the Pei family, brilliant as the rising sun, uncommonly steadfast and valiant. He was deep as the sea, calm as a great mountain. He was the rare orchid of the Lanting, and the resolute pine growing from sheer cliff. Having met such a gentleman, how could she not be moved, not be utterly won over by him?

What she said to him on the wedding night were naturally what her true thought. But she also secretly prayed that there would never come a day when her father was proved to be the source of all misfortunes and he gave up on her, and she, in turn, would be forced to fulfil her vow with quiet grace—never letting him feel even a moment of guilt or burden.

She was unfortunate, as the curse-like prophecy on her wedding night came true. However, on the night she received the farewell love letter he sent her through Jinwuzhui, she was unbelievably happy. She actually heard his confession, and he had not died, and would come back alive to meet her.

She once thought that it was impossible for her to be so lucky.

After the news of the end of the battle in Hexi came, maybe the carved fish talisman gave her unprecedented confidence, or maybe it was the silent understanding between lovers, she felt certain that he would not return to the capital in step with the rest of the soldiers, he would come back early for her. And her door would be open for him at any time, as long as he stopped hesitating and was willing to take the last step himself—to come to her door and knock. However, her confidence was far from absolute. After he became her prince consort, it may have appeared that she held the higher ground—that she was elevated and he, the prince consort, was bowing before her. Yet the truth was just the opposite. In front of him, she would always be the humble one. She was her father’s daughter—an identity she could neither change nor discard. And that alone, was her burden, her failing. Even in their most intimate moments, when lost in passion and tenderness, there remained at the deepest part of her heart a constant sense of uncertainty.

All the time, she was preparing for him to leave her.

The right to choose was always in his hands. And she was just a person waiting for the verdict.

Receiving the carved fish talisman was the beginning of new expectations for her, but as time went by, her anxiety and restlessness grew day by day. She still couldn’t believe that this time, he would really come back to her without hesitation and tell her that he was back.

Just as she expected, he cowered again.

Compared to the current situation, where he came back for her but hesitated again, she would rather he hated her to the end, cut off all feeling, and never came to see her again. At least then, she could finally give up completely.

At this moment, he said that he was worried that she would not forgive him.

Was it true?

She heard him softly repeat by her ear those same two lines that had once made her weep through the night. She turned her face away, refusing his kiss. Then she yanked open his robe, reached into his half-bared chest, and drew out that fish talisman, now searing hot from being worn close to his skin. Holding it up before him, she let him see it plainly.

“I don’t believe it.”

She said word by word.

“If it wasn’t for some strange coincidence that Jinwuzhui came back on its own and the siege of Dache City was lifted that day, after you found out that you didn’t die in the battle, wouldn’t you have retrieved this thing and pretended that such a thing had never happened?”

With her black hair that was about to fall, she looked into his eyes and asked with a slight gasp.

He didn’t answer.

“Hao’er…”

Only a moment later, he whispered her name again, looking at her with pleading eyes.

A trace of hatred rose in her heart.

Xuyu wanted to imitate him and smash the fish talisman, but the talisman had a love message he left for her. She finally pinched the thing in her palm with hatred, hooked her arms behind his neck, and forced his head to her. Then, she opened her mouth and bit his mouth hard with her sharp teeth.

It was a punishing bite. His lip skin was broken, and she tasted the sweet and fishy taste that came from him.

He groaned in pain, but instead of dodging, he held her waist tighter with his arms, as if he wanted to embed her into his body. His eyes also turned scorching, like a burning fire.

He stared at her lips. There were traces of his blood smeared on them. As the two of them tangled together, the sweep of their sleeves stirred faint breezes, causing the candle to flicker. In that wavering light, her blood-tinted lips bloomed with a vivid allure—like dew steeped in rose elixir—fresh, tempting, and exuding an intoxicating fragrance that could bewilder the soul.

He lowered his head and looked at her without saying a word. She no longer struggled. One hand still gripped the fish-shaped talisman, her arms twined tightly around his neck, her chin was slightly tilted, sending out a provocative look.

His Adam’s apple rolled up and down, and suddenly, he scooped her up into his arms and pressed her down, firmly, onto the bed.

In the silent bedroom, there came the crisp sound of fabric tearing—whose it was, his or hers, no one could tell. A heap of garments lay draped and half-slipped to the floor, scattered in disarray before the bed. A snow-pale arm struck against the bed’s edge; its slender, jade-like fingers opened and closed weakly a few times, and the fish talisman slipped from between them, tumbling down.

With a cling, it struck a piece of bronze on a fallen belt, then vanished into the pile of clothes.

The moon cast its light over the walled palace, cold settling into the depths of midnight.

The spring night’s mist slowly gathered on the petals of the blooming jasmine that lined the path beside the palace. The night wind stirred the branches, dew falling in steady drops, unceasing.

Pei Xiaoyuan passed a night so dreamlike, so overwhelming, it could almost be described as madness.

That night, before he finally fell asleep from exhaustion, he had hardly ever separated from her, and they were always entangled. They remained entwined the entire time. At first on the bed, then, worried they might wake Xiao Hu’er, they moved to the sitting room. When she was tired, he held her as she slept and waited for her to wake. In every place, in every way, they clung to each other. He kissed every inch of her body, serving her with all he had, only to send her to the heights of ecstasy again. He gave himself over to wild abandon, doing as he pleased, marking her with his own imprint in every way he knew how. He seemed to have endless energy, and he did not wish to be apart from her. It was as if only through this could he help her erase all the fear and sorrow she had endured alone through their days of separation—help her forget the tears she once shed, and most of all, make her remember, deep in her bones, that he was her man.

When he woke up, it was already the next day, and the sun was already high in the sky. There was no one beside him. She was gone. As usual, she went to Dongnuan Pavilion of Xuanzheng Hall to do her work. Xiao Hu’er was also taken away by He shi and the wet nurse. Lying alone on the bed in the bedroom, completely alone, he felt an unexpected hollowness settling in his chest as he fully emerged from the fervent passion of the previous night. The more he recalled what had passed, the more hollow he felt. The more intense and unrestrained their night had been, the more void he now seemed to feel in its wake. It was as though it had all been no more than a fleeting dream. Once woken, it no longer counted.

He didn’t know where this feeling of emptiness came from.

Could it be that just because she was not by his side when he woke up, he became so worried and anxious?

The depressed mood persisted until he saw Xiao Hu’er. With his presence, finally his floating heart slowly calmed down.

He stayed in the palace for some time to play with his son. She never returned. Pei Xiaoyuan had no business here do during the day, so it was not convenient for him to disturb her. After his son was tired and fell asleep after playing with him, he left the palace first.

He went to the orchard lane, visited the people there, and burned a stick of incense for his father and the eight hundred spirit tablets.

The incense burned out. He continued to sit there for some time, but when he saw it was getting late, he left and led Jinwuzhui back to Yongning Mansion and help it settled.

As soon as he entered the gate, the gatekeeper handed him a letter, saying that it was delivered by a monk from Qinglong Temple during the day.

Pei Xiaoyuan was stunned.

He knew Qinglong Temple, which had the only authentic mural by Ye Zhongli in Chang’an, so although it was in a remote location, it was still somewhat famous. However, he had never had any dealings with Qinglong Temple, so he didn’t know why the monk sent him a letter.

With some confusion, he read the letter, went out immediately, and hurried to the palace again.

When he arrived, she was alone in Dongnuan Pavilion, still reading memorials with her head down.

The afterglow of the setting sun slanted in through the open west window, enveloping her figure.

He stood outside the window and watched quietly for a moment. When she raised her head and noticed him, he walked in and handed her the letter he just received.

“Your grandfather has returned to Chang’an. He is now temporarily staying in Qinglong Temple. It’s inconvenient for him to send a message to you while you’re in the palace. Knowing that I have returned to Chang’an in the past few days, he left a letter for me—” he said in a deep voice.

“Grandpa!” she exclaimed in surprise.

Pei Xiaoyuan had almost never seen such an excited expression on her face, and he couldn’t help but get stunned.

Without waiting for him to finish, she put down the brush in her hand, stood up quickly from the couch, and walked out quickly.

Pei Xiaoyuan reacted and hurriedly caught up.

“I’ll take you there,” he said.

“Then what are you waiting for!” she shouted impatiently.

“Don’t make Grandpa wait too long!”

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